the words you'll never receive

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entry 16 - 'time'

on November 18, 2025

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my heart no longer clenches at the thought of your name.

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entry 06 - 'weight'

when you left, i weighed 113 pounds. larger than i thought i had any right being, but healthy enough for my size. i remember asking you again and again, over and over, if i looked okay, if my body was good enough for you, if you were really sure this was the mess you wanted to be seen with for the rest of your life. and every single time, you told me it was. you told me it was perfect, that you loved my curves and stomach, that you preferred the softness i came with. and finally, finally. i was beginning to believe you. a year in, and i finally believed you. i finally believed i looked good enough for you- you, who could never look bad in my eyes, who would forever be my unlikely, muscle-bound wet dream. i finally believed i was worthy of you. now, i weigh 87 pounds. skinnier than i'd ever been in highschool, even with a well-hidden, acute eating disorder. i eat a meal every few days, if i feel like i should. if i feel worthy of it. when you left, i lost any apetite i'd ever g...

entry 03 - 'trying'

You told me you talked it through with your coworkers. I had no idea you were thinking of leaving, while your coworkers did. Couldn't we have talked about this? Like adults? You wanted to prove you were mature, but this was never the way to do it. I begged and begged for communication. A text about your day. A text just so I know you know I exist still. Just because I left for college didn't mean I didn't still care about you. That wasn't abandonment. I was never going to leave you. I never thought about leaving you. Because I wanted to stay and fight and fix it. Our only issue was communication. And I truly tried on my end. But after a while, it becomes harping. And I felt guilty. I tried. I really tried. I will keep trying. I will continue to reach out on a voicemail you'll never listen to and ask friends about you and try to keep up with your life, because I promised you I wouldn't give up on you. And I keep my promises. I will fight for the love of my life ...

entry 13 - 'fall'

i gave you so much benefit after July. i really, truly did everything i could, in my power, to help you feel comfortable, better. i truly gave you everything i had. after July, i slipped. it was so fucking much. it was so much. and i never let you in, because you were healing, and i couldn't do that to you, not when you were hurting. i don't even know where it came from, but i still tried. you never talked to me about it, really. about why you did it. so i tried to guess as best i could, and it was hard. do you know how hard it is to keep someone from falling apart? do you know how hard it is to hold someone else together while you're falling apart too? i fell. and i was already catching you. there was no one to catch me. and i lost it. i lost the spark, the thing that kept me pushing to make sure you were 100% all the time. and i still feel awful. i should have been able to keep you together. i should have been able to keep us together. i still think about it, all the tim...

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entry 16 - 'time'

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