entry 13 - 'fall'

 i gave you so much benefit after July. i really, truly did everything i could, in my power, to help you feel comfortable, better. i truly gave you everything i had. after July, i slipped. it was so fucking much. it was so much. and i never let you in, because you were healing, and i couldn't do that to you, not when you were hurting. i don't even know where it came from, but i still tried. you never talked to me about it, really. about why you did it. so i tried to guess as best i could, and it was hard. do you know how hard it is to keep someone from falling apart? do you know how hard it is to hold someone else together while you're falling apart too? i fell. and i was already catching you. there was no one to catch me. and i lost it. i lost the spark, the thing that kept me pushing to make sure you were 100% all the time. and i still feel awful. i should have been able to keep you together. i should have been able to keep us together. i still think about it, all the time. when i'm doing nothing, when i'm busy. i see it in my dreams. i see your body, strung in a tree, or wrapped around it, or drowned, or bleeding out, and i can never stop it. and i'm so sorry. i can't even keep myself together. how did i ever think i could do it for you? 

i never should have told you yes. we could have avoided so much heartache. but. sitting with you before hayride, before anyone else was there, just us talking. working at our station together, in the cold and the heat, bored out of our minds but together. does it kill you to remember those days like it does me? it kills me to remember how we used to be. before i really fell for you. before we were falling. maybe, even then, we were hurtling towards it, but at least then, i didn't know. i've never wanted to go back in time like i do now. i wish i could go back. to the beginning of senior year, before the end began. i would do so much differently. i would love you softer. maybe i wouldn't love you at all. maybe i shouldn't have ever loved you. it seems i just mess it up when i do. once i finally fall, then it ends. we were destined to fail, because i truly loved you. and everything and everyone i have ever loved has shattered under my fingers. because i really was never meant to be close to someone like i was to you. ever since i was small, i knew that. 

i knew i wasn't supposed to be happy. i'm not meant for happiness. some people just don't get to be happy. i know you're not one of them. i hope you get to be happy. i hope you do everything you wanted to. i hope you live as well as you can, for as long as you can. i hope you treat yourself with kindness. i hope you let yourself be happy. i never meant to drag you down with me. i never have. but this time it hurts more. i hope you're happy. i love you. i shouldn't. i can't. but i do. i love you.