it actually makes me sick to think that you used to listen to my voicemails. that you listened to them, that night, while i sobbed and panicked and bared my soul for you to just beg you to come back, and all you could do was text me and then block me. that you listened to me while i was gasping for air, thinking i did something beyond repair, thinking i hurt you irredeemably, and you never had the courage to call me back. all i wanted was for you to call me back. do you understand how sickening that is? to be blindsided with this, and then never get a reason why? to beg and plead with you to just hear your voice one more time so i knew i wasn't going crazy, and that you were serious? that this wasn't a sick joke, or someone was making you do it. i keep trying to imagine how you were when you did that. were you crying? did you even care? were you sitting with people and laughing as you answered me, as if it didn't matter? did it break your heart to hear me beg you to listen and come back? or had you already been so checked out at that point that you couldn't bring yourself to care? did you write down what you wanted to say before you sent it to me? or did someone tell you what to say to me? do you know that your last text haunts me? i imagine you crying when i read it, because i can hear your voice when i read it. i never could before, but i can now. i imagine your voice as you tell me that i was never your plan, that i was never really what you wanted. i hear you tell me you hope i find another man. i hear you lie to me. and maybe that was the only truth you really told. maybe the rest of it was a lie. maybe you never did love me. maybe none of it was real, and you were just tired of pretending. do you know how much that hurt? that killed me. it still hurts. why would you do that? i keep hoping every time my phone buzzes that it's you. i keep my ringer on in case you call. you still have your own ringtone. i've never been in pain like this before. i wish it would stop.
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