sometimes, as of late, i've started to think. that maybe it was my fault. i'm not usually the most palatable person. i never know when to shut up and accept that i'm wrong. i think i know everyone all the time. (i usually do, but sometimes i get cocky) i get into moods that i can't crawl out of, and i get stuck feeling like i'll never be normal again. i hurt people i love when i feel like shit just because i can't seem to stop myself from doing it. i speak my mind, and i say how i feel about people and things. even when it hurt, i told you how i felt. and maybe that's where we messed up. should i have pulled my punches? should i have not been honest with you all the time? i thought i was supposed to be honest. but when the relationship was built on material lies to begin with, maybe i wasn't supposed to be. maybe it would be kinder to you if i stopped reaching out. if i stopped trying. because i know i can hurt people. i know my words cut people. and i know you were fragile.
i think i should have been kinder in my words to you, however truthful i was. of course i couldn't support a job that took you away from me and meant you could die. but i shouldn't have told you that. of course i didn't believe you were finally settling with a day job, because you hadn't managed to find a single thing without your mother's help since we'd been together. you'd gotten lazy, depressed. you didn't think you were worth a thing, so you just stopped. and i noticed. so yes, i didn't believe you'd just gotten up one day and gotten a job. when there's a pattern, it's hard to unsee it. but maybe i should have been less. maybe i should have quieted down and let you be what you needed to at the time. maybe i shouldn't have ushered you into life when you were content to stay under your mother's thumb. (you weren't- that's the whole reason we moved you out. but you crawled right back, didn't you?)
i am a lot. and i really thought you'd accepted me. i thought you would finally be someone who could handle it. i thought i could be me. but maybe this was all me. maybe it really was my fault. i'm sorry.
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