you were my first for so many things.
you're the first person i ever let into my space fully- literally. i had never let someone into my bedroom or my brain before you. not really. you were the first to lie in my sheets and take up my space and leave your pants at my house so you had an excuse to come back later.
you're the first person i ever moved in with. we lived together, for months. we hadn't graduated high school, and we were living together. no one ever really realised that. everyone assumed you just picked me up in the mornings and we hung out a lot. no one took me seriously about you sleeping in my bed and using my shower and eating my food when i made us both dinner. you left your socks all over my floor even when i begged you to just move them two steps over into the laundry basket. you kept your shoes by the front door and your mug next to mine and your backpack next to the coats. your car had its own parking spot. no one was allowed to park there for extended periods, because it was yours.
you're the first person my parents genuinely housed. partners came and went for all of us, but you stuck. you made the effort, when others just saw them as parents. you saw them as people. you made the effort to talk to them. my parents loved you. you had your letter ornament on the christmas tree. you had your own stocking. my dad picked it because it was stupid and childish and so very you. you were going to have your own christmas box. you were going to be a regular holiday visitor.
you're the first person i ever showered with. you're the first person who ever saw me as vulnerable as anyone ever had. you're the only person i ever felt comfortable showing that side of me to. you're the first person to make me feel truly comfortable in my skin. you would have been the first person to see me, have me, wholly. i've always been scared of commitment. the idea of giving my body away scares me. i can never have that experience again. and you were going to be the first to have it. the only. i regret not being able to sooner. i'm also glad i never did. you could've been my first. i'm glad i never gave it to you. i wish i had time to give it to you. i would have given it to you, if you would have stayed.
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