i have to remember how much it would hurt you to know i relapsed because of you. because you hurt me deeper than i ever thought you could. i have to remember how much you would ache to know i bled because of you. directly. you've never been the reason why i start. but you've always been why i stopped. and you were always there to patch me up with a kiss and a soft tear and warm arms. and it would probably hurt more to know you won't be here to wrap me up in your arms again than the actual act. i would bleed worlds to have your arms around me again. but i know how much you would hurt to know you caused me to hurt.
or maybe you wouldn't. you haven't shown sympathy yet. despite this tearing me apart, you've kept your distance as well and cleanly as possible. you've never been one to put this much thought into something. you always do things on a whim, without much plan. you've never been good at planning ahead. so why is now the time you decide to gather your bearings and move swift? i know you've been influenced. i know someone took you from me. the words you said to me before you left, you would have never said to me. never in a million years would you wish me well with another man's ring and future. i hope the thought made you sick. it makes me sick. to think of you with someone else. and to think of myself with anyone but you.
i keep hoping you'll realise what an awful act this has been. i keep hoping you realise how much i love you and how much i want to fight for us. i keep hoping you change your mind and realise that we were the plan, that we had a future, that we wanted to grow old together. i keep hoping you'll remember that you told me you wanted to marry me.
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